Your Favorite Humorist

The entire piece takes place on a ship

Last night I was given one of the better humorist writing prompts I've received in my life. A fellow writer assigned me two random story aspects; the rest was mine to create. This fellow drew two pieces of paper out of a proverbial hat for me which read "humor" and "the entire piece takes place on a ship." As a humorist, this prompt filled me with joy; my hope is the results do the same for you.

Cheers!

(Don't you hate when people say that?)

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So I’m on me ship with me mateys, and we’re all doin our hootin and hollerin like we always be doin when the nightfall be comin over the deck. And I see Blackbeard and Bluebeard and Ol’ Greybeard open a fresh vessel of mead and I think to meself, ohhh, me mateys are gettin quite loose this evening. So I start tappin me peg leg on the deck to I’m Shipping Up to Boston by ye olde Dropkick Murphys and I’m swiggin me whiskey and I’m havin ye olde time of me life. And maybe it was the ol’ salt air or the way the sea jostled our ship under the stars that night, but I started feelin meself and oops, there went me shirt, up over me head, oh my. And I could feel me Brothers Beard gaze upon me, but I couldn’t help but jiggle me backside til I was just in me skivvies and it was at that moment Pink Pony Club started playing from me speakers and I was SO in me groove. 

It’s the pirate’s life for me and yo ho ho, but if I was a girl in Tennessee I get how I might be plagued by wicked dreams of leaving to dance in me heels. Heels and pegs aren’t so different, you know. The Brothers Beard have all their legs and sometimes it feels like there’s this distance between us because I’m an adult with disabilities and I can’t be spearing white whales as well as they can. I mean, Bluebeard does have a hook for a hand, but that’s sort of for aesthetics because he came up during Hook’s era and just never really stayed up with the times, so his hook is like, for fashion, and sort of offensive to those of us who actually have appendages replaced. 

There I am on the deck, peggin to the beat having the time of me life all throughout Pink Pony Club…okay and part of Femininomenon, when I reckon I wanna go chew the fat with me Brothers Beard. But when I look up at their corner of the deck, I see me brothers have vanished. And at first I’m like, oh no, did me brothers get knocked off the ship? Did the mead go to them’s heads, makin em woozy and susceptible to fallin overoboard? It was one of the scariest moments of me life. Worried about me brothers, wondrin if I done and failed em again like that time when we was just kids playin pirates, before we was real pirates, and I drew the treasure map but me dyslexia made me draw it backwards and we ended up trying to come back against the current with “no fucking treasure” and me brothers were soooo mad they said they was gonna chop me leg off and make me wear a peg.

Anyway I peered over the Starboard and started yellin for me brothers but nothin, so I went down into the lower deck to form a plan to save them. And remember I’m still just in my skivvies, and with the mist of the midnight sea air gettin chilly me nipples were not thrilled with me life choices. But there I am below deck, frantic and worried about me brothers, when I hear some noises comin from the galley. So I think oh, rival pirates be tryin to comandeer me ship and me brothers, and there won’t be nunna that while I’m here. So I grab me viking helmet I won that time we visited ye olde Renaissance fair and me shotgun from under me pillow and I think, I’m gonna save this ship and me family. I’m gonna be the hero of the high seas. 

I bust in the galley with my gun cocked, ready to fire and who do I see but ye Brothers Beard. Me pals. Hangin out without me. They be playin that card game bullshit, but if ye get caught bullshittin, ye gotta drink. I lowered me gun and the brothers’ six eyes all be lookin at my one eye, as if they be thinkin “what’s wrong with you, man?” Which is valid considering me outfit, I mean it was just a gun and me tighty whiteys and a plastic viking helmet so I see where they be comin from. But it really hurt me feelings is all, that I was enjoyin me cultural pop icon Chappell Roan and instead of enjoyin it with me, they be hurrying off to the galley to be partying without me presence. It hurt me feelings when they cut off my leg and it hurt me feelings when they poked me eye out even though they said “oh that one was an accident we didn’t mean to be pokin yarrr eye out,” but part of me thinks maybe they did be meaning to poke me eye out. When a pirate cant trust his mates, he be socially marooned, which reminds of a Taylor Swift song, another singer I love that they don’t be enjoyin. 

And that’s why I’ve decided it’s time for me to walk me plank. Goodbye me brothers, and me treasures. I be swimmin with the fishes from now on, dancin at me Pink Pony Club in the sky. 

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